there are days when i’ve had enough. whether it’s the snow covered trail of jackets, overalls, gloves, and boots heaped up between the front door and living room or one child wanting to go out but refusing to put on those same later to be snow covered gloves and another child struggling with a boot, demanding that i get it on right away. it can be something as simple as going into the bedroom only to find the happy evidence of happily playing children in the form of blocks, animals, and cars all over the floor, or oats scattered hither and thither. some days the sight of hand prints made in jam on the windows can have me gritting my teeth, and expertly stapled together curtains, oh yes! the rooster attacking me whenever i go out is like icing on the cake, i tend to remove the stuff. on some days it’s enough even before i’m fully awake. did i have troubled dreams? was nursing little bird all night long between trips to the bathroom the cause of this later unrest? who can say, all i know is in the moment i feel like . . . . ok this is too much!! this is sheer folly! this massive attempt, to educate our children from within our daily life, so ripe with all the learning moments and challenges one needs to build character. the challenges become unsurmountable obstacles, so gargantuan as to liquify me with hopelessness. this is impossible, i tell myself! sheer bravado on my part!
then i look over and i see little man helping his struggling sister get her boot on, and seeing this the other child is suddenly ready to put her glove on. i pick up the blocks and stew and steam through the day, then the children fill up the wood box without being asked. tenderfoot can be seen outside moving the sleds out of the driveway and bringing them back up to the house. little arms wrap around me and big eyes look up at me with smiles, lips puckered up waiting to give me kisses. i hang up the snow strewn clothing to dry and helpful hands put away the boots. tenderfoot asks to do spellings and wants to write a story, will i help her with the spellings? little man calls me to come see all the A’s he’s made on the chalkboard, some are shaped like arrowhead’s, and did i know apple begings with A too? and did i know feel and heel and reel all rhyme but shoe and kick do not, but you can kick something with a shoe on!! oh, and two two times is four, but three two times is not, look and i’m looking at sets of fingers displaying these facts.
and suddenly, i’ve not had enough. i want more. i can take more. someone once told me that we are each made with the capacity to carry what might seem like a really heavy load until we remember that we have the strength to carry that much, then it’s no longer a burden or heavy but just what we can do. i realize that whenever i feel like i’ve reached my limit, eventually something happens and a transformation occurs whereby i am rendered limitless and expansive. i’ll surely get there again, to that ‘this is too much, i’ve had it’ feeling, but i’ll just as likely move away from there, strengthened, emboldened, and ready for the more that is to come whatever new form it appears in. a slight shift in persepctive seems to be all it takes.
as for the rooster, the first time he attacked me i thought he’d missed the cat , who was walking by my feet. the second time, i wondered about it since cat-tea mao was ahead of me. the third time i knew ruddy was attacking me, and from behind no less, the coward!!! the forth time i walked backward the whole time i was outside, and he follwed me the entire way, jumping at me as i turned to slip in the door. so the fifth time, i took a stick and baited him by walking backward and letting him follow. then i turned knowing full well he’d be shaking out his head and charging me. when he was midway, i turned and went kamikaze at him, waving the stick, jumping, shrieking, and jabbing without touching him. he turned and fled. i haven’t had a problem with ruddy since. sometimes, enough really is enough!